On Christmas day he seemed better, eating well and sleeping upstairs in the bay window. Yesterday morning he ate a bit and everything seemed as usual, other than his slow decline, which was expected. During the day I gave him his usual meds, but he refused to eat anything and I noticed his breathing was a bit harder than it had been. I tried syringe feeding him a little, which went well. Then I gave him his fluids and his pill. But, this time, instead of just relaxing out, he hid behind the sofa.
That made me nervous as his breathing looked a bit worse, so I tried to get him to come out. Instead he crawled behind the TV. I know he was trying to tell me to leave him alone, but I wanted him accessible in case he needed to go to the vet.
Every time I pulled him out I noticed his breathing got worse. I know he was stressed. So, I put him on my bed where he laid down, open mouth breathing. His gums were grey. I wanted to get him to the vet for oxygen but every time I moved him he got worse, so I left him alone. I knew he had only a few moments left.
After a bit he lifted his head, his breathing looked a bit better, so I went over and pet him. He tried to get up and looked like he wanted to head to the littler box, but he fell off the bed. I managed to catch him and he collapsed on the floor trying to breathe. I left him only to get my stethascope. He was gasping but there was nothing I could do. There is no feeling worse than watching a beloved pet die and knowing you can't do anything at all to help! I held his head in my hands, I listened to his heartbeat. But I had no way to get oxygen to him. And that's what he needed. The vet hospital was 10 minutes away... too far to do any good. He went limp in my hands but his heart still beat. He had passed out from lack of oxygen. After that he took only a few more gasps then went still. I listened with my stethascope, but there was no heartbeat. He was gone.
Now, I cannot even walk into my downstairs apartment without breaking down! I feel guilty, like I should have done more, like I should have done something earlier! The house is so empty without him. Moving on from such pain seems impossible. Losing a pet is losing a member of the family. And yesterday I lost a very dear family member! I will hold him in my heart forever.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Christine. It's so devastating when we lose these special creatures that share our lives.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if the following will help, but I felt compelled to write it to you, so here it is:
I can only imagine how helpless you must have felt. Try not to blame yourself for how his final minutes unfolded - there probably wasn't anything a vet could have done, and taking him to a vet would only have added to his stress. As it was, it feels to me that Sammy let you know that he was ready to pass on, and that he wanted to do it at home, with you right by his side.
I've always believed that animals are spiritual beings, and that they choose when they're ready to transition. I also think that if they had their say, they'd choose to go on their own, on their own terms. It seems to me that Sammy did just that - his final breath and heartbeat was taken with the most loved and important person in his life by his side - you.
My heart goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. I wish for you that in time, memories of your time with Sammy will eclipse those of his final moments.
Christine, I'm so sorry about the loss of Sammy. Losing a beloved animal companion always leaves a big big hole in our lives, and we are always consumed with guilt even though we should not be. You did everything you could and he knows this. He died where he was loved and that is a good thing. You were with him.
ReplyDeletePlease be good to yourself and don't punish yourself for something over which you had no control. He was loved, and he loved you. Eventually you'll be able to rejoice in that space.
Karen